Last week, on a sunny summer day near Santa Barbara, a group of friends gathered to meet the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, better known as Harry and Meghan. It was an exclusive club, and no one wanted to join. Most of the parents here had lost their children directly or indirectly through exposure to online social media.
Harry and Meghan are trying to give them and their beloved parents a place to turn for help. It’s called The Parents’ Network, and it’s officially launched today in partnership with the couple’s charity, the Archewell Foundation.
Meghan Markle herself knows a lot about online bullying, and of course her husband Harry knows a lot about it… and the unspeakable sadness it can cause.
Polly said, “The most important topic is the loss that these families have experienced, the story that needs to be shared, because the parents who are listening ~ No They took a loss. They thought they couldn’t do it. But they could.”
“It could happen,” Harry said. “And that’s one of the scariest things we’ve learned, I think, in the 16, 17 years since social media came along, and more recently, that it can happen to anyone. Back in the day, if you had your kids under your roof, you knew what they were doing, and at least you were safe, right? Now, they could be in the next room, they could have a tablet or a phone, they could fall down a rabbit hole, and before you know it, they could be killing themselves within 24 hours.”
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“Our kids are young, they’re 3 and 5, it’s amazing,” Megan said. “But as parents, all we want to do is protect our kids. So, as we see what’s happening in the online space, we know there’s a lot of work to be done there, and we’re happy to be part of the change.”
“I hope that when my child asks for help, someone is there to help them,” Polly said.
“If you knew how “We have to help, right?” Harry said. “At this point, we’ve gotten to the point where almost every parent has to be an EMT. And even the best EMTs in the world can’t recognize the signs of suicide. That’s the scary part about this job.”
Donna and Chris Dowley know this all too well: Their 17-year-old son, CJ, committed suicide due to depression caused by social media use.
“We had no idea what happened to our son,” Donna said. “You know, he had a beautiful car and a job he loved.”
“He has sisters who love him, parents who adore him,” Chris said.
“And he happy“He was a happy kid,” Donna said.
And like many parents in their position, the Dawleys say their son’s depression and death were caused by his smartphone, a device designed to be so addictive that he couldn’t put it down for even a few minutes before he died. “He was still holding his phone in his hand. He was so addicted,” Donna said. “He couldn’t have killed himself without posting about it first.”
And like the Dowleys, it’s almost impossible for parents or anyone else to notice that someone is in such deep despair that they’re considering taking their own life.
“I was really embarrassed to say it at the time, and I was especially embarrassed to admit it to Harry, because I know how much loss he’s had. But I knew if I didn’t say it, I would… I just didn’t want to live anymore,” Meghan told Oprah Winfrey in 2021.
Polly asked her, “You’ve had the experience of connecting with these families, and seeing you touch your husband’s hand, and knowing that if I went somewhere, we would take care of each other, but the connection that you make with people is that they know that you’ve suffered personally as well. Thinking about suicide was suicidal. And I’m avoiding this because I could see that you were uncomfortable with me even going there…”
“I understand why you are. It’s unexpected, but I understand why you are, because I think there’s a line,” Megan said. “And when you’ve been through any level of pain or trauma, I think part of our healing journey — and certainly part of mine — is the ability to be really honest about it. And you know, I haven’t even scratched the surface of my experience. But I don’t think I would ever want anybody else to feel that way. And I would never want anybody else to make that kind of plan. And I would never want anybody to not believe.
“So if talking about what I overcame saves someone, or genuinely validates someone in their life and encourages them to stop thinking about how they look and think that everything is okay, then it’s worth it,” Megan said. “It’s going to take a toll on you.”
The in-person gathering was just a launch. The Parents’ Network will meet mostly online. But what’s important, said group facilitator Leora Wolf-Prusan, is what the group will talk about. “We’re going to stop expecting you to be ‘over’ grief in a year,” she told Pauley. “We’re going to stop saying we’re tired of hearing about Internet harm. For example, we’re going to continue to call your child by their name because they existed and they mattered. And we know it’s not your fault. That’s it, right? It wasn’t your fault. This happened to you too, and now we can create something together as a community. With ~ you.”
Founding members of the group include Taj and Selen Swanson-Jensen, whose son died from an overdose of drugs they found online; Brandi and Tony Roberts, whose daughter Inglin died by suicide after being bullied online; and Pella Mendoza, whose son Ellie died after a fatal overdose of painkillers she bought online turned out to be fentanyl.
Polly said, “Thank you for coming here, but I have to ask. Why do you do this?”
“Simply put, it is to avoid other people from living the way we have lived and will continue to live,” Taji replied.
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“I don’t expect anything from anybody,” Perla said. “This is just a labor of love in honor of my son and all the other kids who lost their lives to fentanyl. This is for the mothers who can’t get out of bed, the fathers who can’t leave their homes. I’m here for them. And I hope that one day when it’s my turn to go home, I’ll look at my son and he’ll say to me, ‘Good job, Mom.’”
The idea is that there is comfort and strength in numbers, and (as Harry puts it) the goal is to turn suffering into purpose.
Megan said, “I think we have to start somewhere. I think the simplest way for anyone looking at this or anyone who can make a difference is to look at it through the lens of, ‘What if it were my daughter? What if it were my son? What if my son came home, or my daughter was happy, and I loved her, and one day, right under my roof, our whole life changed because of something outside of our control?’ When you look at it through the lens of a parent, there’s no other way than to try to find solutions.”
If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or at risk of suicide, 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline You can call or text 988. Also Chat with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Support Hotline here.
If you would like more information Mental Health Care Resources and SupportYou can contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. ET, or by email at info@nami.org.
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Story written by John D’Amelio and Julie Kracov. Edited by Steven Tyler.
Jane Polley
